Dear You
by TheBoyOnSpinnersEnd
Summary: Jasper has long since been broken. His heart beaten, his soul buried, his family torn. There was one light in his life. One person that could make him forget. This is his last letter to his love... My dearest You, In getting this letter ... A/H Slash. J/E
1. Chapter I

Diclaimer: I own Nothing.

WARNING: This is a Dark Fic. It contains themes that some may find hard to read, such as child abuse, self harm and will probably not have a HEA. You have been warned.

AN: This was the first dark fan fiction I have written. It was hard to write but hope it isn't too hard to read. It will be in two parts. This is part I. *Doesn't include graphic scenes.*

Dear You… Part I.

Dear You,

In getting this letter you're probably wondering what was going through my mind. Running stressed, perfect, pale fingers nervously through your bronze messy hair. Your eyebrows furrowed and your pale pink lips turned down in a frown. I hate that I'm the one to mar your face with such an expression, to make you feel this way, but really, if you think about it, like I have, it's for the best. Now everyone is happy.

I have put a lot of thought into what I am about to do. I have it planned out, I know all the steps now all I have to do is follow them through.

I have decided to write a letter.

I had considered writing one to my father, telling him how proud I was to be his son. How really he couldn't have made me a better kid, even if mom had stayed around. Yes I do miss her ,but I don't blame him for her not being there.

I was even thinking of writing one to my mother. Of how I'm genuinely happy that she has the perfect life now, even if that life doesn't include me.

To my sister. The one person who knew the real me… she probably isn't even surprised.

But then I thought of you, how I should tell you the whole story of us. Me and You, You and Me, in the only way I know I will ever find the courage, from pen to paper.

As I sit here at my wooden desk, facing the windows yet the curtains are closed, the T.V on yet the sound is off, the kettle boiling yet I'm in no need for a caffine boost, I'm thinking of you… I do that a lot. It makes me sound like a 15 year old girl but it's true, you're constantly on my mind. And as I'm thinking of you my heart clenches, an involuntary smile graces my face and a tear slides down my cheek. There is something I've never told you, in so many words but… I love you. I'm sure it's too late now, but I just wanted everything out before I begin. That is one of the main factors in the story of us, my love for you.

Do you remember when we first met? You were new, just moved here and I was enthralled. You drew me in. It's a like some sort of gift you have, you attract people to you. Draw them in, and they don't even know why. You could make a lesbian want you. You were standing at the top of the classroom and were introducing yourself. You moved your hands as you talked, your body was telling us a story. You were something Forks had never seen before. You were Alien, and I loved it. Your messy bronze hair, completely out of control, your emerald jewels went straight to mine and you sat next to me. No one else sat there in school, next to me, maybe you senced it and chose to be friends out of our common denominator of loneliness. Whatever your reasons, perhaps there were many, it changed my life forever. We were soon best friends, never left each others sight, never did anything without the other. It only started that year. When we were thirteen... the touching. It began when he called me back class and made me stay behind, detention for no reason and the special tutoring he heavily suggested to my father I take. His constant intense stare on my face and hot sticky breath on the nape of my neck. He was no fool, our English teacher, he played it well. He kept in control and almost had me believing that he loved me , cared for me and that the kissing and touching, groping and sex were all part of the love we shared, he almost had me, if it weren't for you.

You saved me, as you tend to do most of the time. By just being my friend. Saved me from the man who wanted me on so many ways he shouldn't. It took you a while , but the more we hung out the clearer it became to you, Mr. James Hunter was not safe. Your extended friendship helped me see it… and he hated you for it. I could see it in his eyes, feel it in his stare. He became jealous of you I think. At thirteen I hadn't realized how deep he was. I didn't like it, not anymore, not that I had you. James had convinced me that no one cared about me, no one loved me… no one but him. I didn't know that I had been his pray. All I saw was that I meant something to him, and I felt that with no one else, except you.

Do you remember the day you found me in the school coat room. I was curled into a small ball, trying to make myself seem small, I was so scared and ashamed. He had just given me 'detention' I hated it. But he said he cared, that he loved me, that no one else would. You opened the door. The light crept in with your body making a shadow. I didn't know it was you. You know when you're really young and there's nothing more scary than the dark. Than not knowing what is under that bed, what is in that cupboard. I hated the light. It showed everything, all my flaws… everything wrong with me, showed what I was, a freak, for everyone to see. You entered the coat room and placed a delicate, cool hand upon my shoulder, I knew it was someone I could trust, I knew I was safe. You still make me feel that way. Safe. It's a four letter word, A small one but one that holds so much meaning and importance. Like hope, love, faith, hate, help, death. They're small, but mean everything.

You asked me why I was crying. Your eyes held so much sincerity that I knew I could trust you. I knew you wouldn't hurt me if I told you the truth. But for some reason I held back. I told you what I could. What I thought you could handle, I what I could. How it started with him just asking me the answer to every question, and I nearly always got it right even if I didn't. That was when our class turned on me. I was teachers pet, A kiss ass. Oh how right they were… James then moved onto giving me detention for simple things as dropping my pen, and all the way through my writing lines he'd stand right behind me. I could always feel his hot breath on my neck. He'd take it further and inhale deeply. He'd then bring his lips next to my ear and say with a hot breath, "You're perfect." That's how it started, that's what I told you. I didn't go into details, I didn't tell you that I had more knowledge than a twelfth grade school girl on blow-jobs. I was so scared that you'd see me as the freak that I had become. I let my teacher touch me. A man teacher. Sometimes I liked it…

You stuck with me from then on, never let me be alone. And all you knew was that he freaked me out and gave me detentions when I clearly didn't do anything. If I got detention then you got one too. You stayed by my side, and I am forever grateful. As you know after a couple of months of your constant presence, James hadn't been with me for a while.

One idle Tuesday in the middle of June he came to my house. How he found it I still don't know and I really don't want to. I was home by myself. My dad at work doing extra shifts, trying to keep the family afloat, my mother out probably screwing the milk-man who is now my step-father. Rosie was at a friends house. How different we are for twins, I think the only thing we ever shared was our birthday. It was one o'clock in the afternoon and he was outside my door. My sister had left just ten minutes prior. I had a feeling that James had been there for a while , just waiting until I was alone. He came in and headed straight down the hall to my bedroom, he knew which door was mine. I followed him in and when I reached him, sitting on my bed, I realized he was crying.

" Why don't you love me anymore?"

The answer to that question scared the hell outta me. Mostly because I had none, and any teeny tiny reason I could think of involved you. Even then I never wanted anything to happen to you. He crawled over on the bed and wrapped his arms around me. He smelled of cinnamon and cigarettes, I couldn't tell if it repulsed me or not.

" You're such a good boy, and you love me don't you?" It wasn't a question so I just nodded as he began to unbutton my jeans. I was hard and it made him ridiculously happy. As if somehow my growing teenage libido was a result of my love for him. I didn't love him. I didn't even know then if I liked boys at all. It scared me to think that the reason he chose me was because of my preference for cock, and I didn't even know if it was true. It scared me most because if he could tell than so could everyone else. Or worse…what if he made me gay? I had already started to notice you by then. The curve of your neck, the angle of your jaw, the twinkle of your eyes and the definition of your muscles. James' s mouth was on me now. Licking and sucking at the head then using the flat of his tongue up the shaft. I rolled my head back, my eyes closed, my fingers gripping at the sheets beneath me. I never lasted long when he did this. I could feel the building pressure and just as I was about to let go and fall into ecstasy, that I was surely about to receive, your face popped into my head. It was the first time I thought of you in this situation and not by far the last, and I let go. I had never cum so hard. James swallowed all of it, he then looked into my eyes. It was like he knew exactly what had just happened and for a second I panicked that I had called your name, but the dangerous look in his eyes had gone as soon as it had come. He kissed me then, a hard angry kiss. I was sure it had bruised my lips, and then, he left. That was the last time I saw him, as the next day he was found dead in his apartment, hanging from the ceiling.

The only words he left behind were on a scrap of paper saying. 'You could have loved me.' I knew it was left for me. Did you remember that day? The day we found out he was dead. You thought I'd be happy. But all I felt was hollow. I'm not sure if I missed him, it just felt like there was nothing in me to feel anything. I've never told anyone how it really was. Not even Rosalie, though she guessed . She was the only one that had noticed, we may be polar opposites, we always joked that I was the ying to her yang but she does care about me more than anyone else… It's kinda why she doesn't like you. Rosalie doesn't like competition. She knew how I felt about too, she just didn't want to see me hurt… again.

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So I have no idea if it's a plausible piece of work or not.

Review... if you want or not.


	2. Chapter II

Disclaimer: I own Nothing!

Warning: This is a Dark Fic. It contains themes that some may find hard to read, such as, child abuse, self harm and will probably not have a HEA. You have been warned.

AN: I'm so glad people like this fic. And to my best friend Emmie for looking over it... you are and angel! Lo vi amo;)

This was the first dark fan fiction I have written. It was hard to write but hope it isn't too hard to read. It will be in two parts. This is part I. *Doesn't include graphic scenes.*

Dear You… Part I, Chapter II.

_She just didn't want to see me hurt… again. _

Rosalie Lillian Whitlock is the one person that knows me best. Better than you… she knows the good, the bad, and the very ugly. She knew of the relationship I had with James, the way secretly resented our mother, how when I had finally come out to her, at the age of fifteen, she was not suprised. She knows everything to do with me. She is strong where I am weak, generous where I am selfish, good where I am bad… I am the evil twin. The tainted one. Everything about her is perfect. Her long blonde hair, her crystal blue eyes, her unblemished skin, her polite, good nature. The thing you have to understand about Rosalie is, that to her, appearances are everything. You do not make an unnecessary scene, you dress and in style in perfect fit, walk with grace and poise and feign interest in things that do not matter. So to an outsider… to someone like you, she is perfect. But I know better. The twin thing goes both ways. When she started to realize that my ways and views of you started to change, Rosalie dealt with it in the only way she knows how. With grace and cunning. With Rodrigo.

Rodrigo Antonio Merici. My first boyfriend. You didn't know that of course, I had told you he was a friend I had met in Italy over the summer. Which was true… I had met him in Italy, he just wasn't my friend. He wasn't just my friend, rather. When Rosalie had seen my growing interest in the male population she took it well, treated me the exact same as she always had, just now she had a growing passion in trying to get me a boyfriend. She did not appreciate my taste in men. She did not appreciate you. So when we went to Italy the June of our sixteenth birthday she had her mind made up. We would both come back having spent our time with an Italian boy, respectively.

We were renting a holiday house in the Italian country side of Martina Franca. It was one of those old stone houses, with slated red roofs, blue shutters on the windows, and a winding set of steps leading to the main entrance door which was painted a deep blood red. There was potted plants on each step that gave off a fresh plant smell, it made me feel like I had stepped into my grandmothers private garden back in Washington. In the distance lush green fields leading to almost mountain like hills were to be seen. It was like a patch work quilt, each green field sewn into the next. With a river of tinkling, flowing water running through the hills over head. A light breeze was always present in Martina Franca.

We were enthralled. Me and Rosalie had never seen anything like this and we loved it. Everything was fresh, and growing, and had life, right down to the little buttercups that grew at the edge of our garden path. A local farm, five miles down the rickety road, had olive trees and a big farm house. The owners of the house we were staying in had told my parents that if we needed anything, all we had to do was go to the Merici's. That we did.

Rodrigo was out in the farm the very first time I saw him. I'm telling you, he was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen. He was leaning over a bucket full of water, wearing a plain white t-shirt. His back muscles rippling as he returned to standing. His black hair, shinning in the sun as he threw his head back, his bicep flexed as he wiped his hand over his brow clearing it of sweat. He turned then, and faced me and my sister. His face was chiseled and defined. High cheekbones, straight nose, and thick eyebrows and dark, near black eyes. He was perfect… almost.

He turned to face us. We told him of us coming to stay in Martina Franca. He thankfully spoke English, with a really cute Italian accent. He brought us to the old farmhouse, "Masseria" and we were introduced to our new neighbours.

Rodrigo became an almost permanent fixture in our house. He would come over every morning to deliver eggs, bread, milk and olive oil for breakfast. Rodrigo brought me around the village, there was never a day we weren't doing something of great interest Rosalie was always invited, but she always said she had her day already planned until we stopped asking her to join us, I have a feeling she left us alone for a purpose. I think you would have enjoyed the holiday more than me, there was so much effortless art and family-like feeling everywhere. Rodrigo was teaching me Italian in the evenings, I was helping him refine his English. He didn't really need it but I just was making up an excuse to see him everyday. I'm not quite sure how or when our relationship changed. When he slowly got me accustomed to small intimate touches of the arm, or brushes of the hands, when he first kissed me.

I had had my first real kiss that day. After James I didn't like physical contact. I had stayed clear of anyone trying to touch me. I wouldn't even let my mother hug me anymore. I only let you and Rosalie hold me. You were the only one's I trusted. The only ones that made me feel safe. When Rodrigo leaned into kiss me, I thought I'd feel the usual rising panic fill up my gut, telling me to run, to get away, a warning. But none came. He didn't make me want to flee, or make me feel such rising panic that I felt the need to retch. It was just nice. The kiss was so sweet and innocent, nothing that I had ever experienced before, it was something new.

We soon came into an established relationship. He never overstepped the line, he always respected me, and understood that I just wasn't comfortable to go further. We soon were kissing on his bed every night and taking walks in the stunning village. I was so happy, I really liked him, but I always thought of you. I felt like I was somehow betraying you by being completely infatuated with a fabulous guy. I don't even know how my brain even came up with it, but every time I was just alone with him, or kissing him or with his hand in mine I thought of how I would feel if you were doing the same thing and it hurt. I forgot that I was in love you, and of course I'd be crushed, while you probably would've just been freaked that your best friend was gay and keeping it from you. Rodrigo knew something was holding me back.

After weeks of being with Rodrigo , I finally felt that I could trust us to go further. I mean I knew how to do everything already, I knew what he would undoubtedly like. I was just afraid that it would feel just like James. That I wouldn't feel anything different from when my teacher touched me, to when my boyfriend did. I was terrified that I was broken. More than that, was if I couldn't be fixed. It was a starry night, as far as I can remember. It was beautiful, but than again everything was, in Martina Franca. We were in the grassy hills. It had taken us all day to get from the village to the top. I was exhausted and hot and sweaty, from the full-day hike. Night had spread her cloak of darkness over the village. The stars were appearing and as I lay on the soft, lushess grass, the wind blowing softly in my ears and the feeling of a soft hand in mine, I thought of how I couldn't be happier. I forgot all the stupid stuff at home, I forgot everything besides, being there with the boy of my dreams. I was leaving Italy the next day. Going back home. I never hated that word more than I did then. I turned to face him. I rolled myself onto him until I was straddling him, he was surprised to say the least. I lent down and whispered in his ear, with a soft breath. I was going to miss him so much.

" _I Mancherai" _he closed his eyes. His face flinched as if in pain and he whispered back.

" _Lo vi amo_." I didn't know what that meant then but I still felt it. He was going to me miss me as much.

That night we didn't go further in the way I had anticipated.

The next day was a rush. It all seems like a blur now. We were finding last minute things, cleaning the house, checking everything was in working order, and saying goodbye to place we all felt most happiest. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever go back. If anything will be the same. If the trees I once saw tall strong and healthy, be withered and old, the patch work quilt of fields, parched and yellowing, the starry night sky, clouded and blank, sometimes I wonder if it ever was a special as I had imagined. Sometimes I wonder if anything ever is… I never saw Rodrigo after our night on the hills. He never came to say goodbye. It took me years later to understand that he already had.

Soon we were all back in the foggy, wet, damp place of Forks, Washington. I hated being home. I didn't want to forget my magical summer. I didn't want to forget Rodrigo. I didn't want to forget how it felt to be happy. It was only when I got home to my bedroom, the bad that was mine, yet it felt unfamiliar, that I cried. And I realized I knew what Rodrigo was telling me, what he had last said to me. Just before I succumbed to sleep I mumbled.

" I love you too."

It was a week before we were going back to school and you invited me over to your house. I hadn't seen you for the whole summer, and you sounded really excited on the phone. You told me to come over straight away. I wasn't really in the mood to talk. I was still upset about having to come back here, back to where I had to hide and had everything to fear. I was at your front steps, walking up to the front door of the 'Cullen mansion' It was ridiculas for only three people. And I knocked on the door. You had opened it before I could finish the third tap. You had a wide grin on your face and a wonderful twinkle in your eye. You looked you beautiful. Then you turned introduced my to the bane of my existence, Isabella Swan.

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* I manchera- I will miss you.

* Lo vi amo- I love you.

Review!


	3. Chapter III

Diclaimer: I own Nothing.

WARNING: This is a Dark Fic. It contains themes that some may find hard to read, such as child abuse, self harm and will probably not have a HEA. You have been warned.

AN: This was the first dark fan fiction I have written. It was hard to write but hope it isn't too hard to read. It will be in two parts. This is part I. *Doesn't include graphic scenes.*

* * *

_Poem for Lara, 10_

_An Ashtree on fire, the hair on your head_

_Coaxing larks with your sweet voice_

_In the green grass, _

_A crowd of daisies_

_Playing with you,_

_A crowd of rabbits, dancing with you,_

_The blackbird_

_With it's gold bill _

_Is a jewel for you?_

_The goldfinch with its sweetness_

_Is your music. _

_You are perfume, you are honey,_

_A wild strawberry: _

_Even bees think you _

_A flower in the field._

_Little queen of the land of books,_

_May you always thus,_

_May you ever be free from sorrow-chains._

_Here's my blessing to you my girl, it is no petty grace-_

_May you have your mother's soul_

_And the beauty of her face._

_-Michael Hartnett _

_...And I knocked on the door. You had opened it before I could finish the third tap. You had a wide grin on your face and a wonderful twinkle in your eye. You looked you beautiful. Then you turned introduced my to the bane of my existence, Isabella Swan._

I was never quite sure if you knew, or if you just chose to ignore the gigantic pink elephant in the room… but, Bella hated me. I mean really, hated me. At first I had no idea why, I had never done anything to her, and then it became apparent, after some weeks of self reflection and a rant to my twin sister… she hated that I loved you. Isabella had just moved to our stupid, small minded, shitty little town of Forks, from Phoenix, to come live with her dad for a while. Bella used to come here every summer, I soon learned, but I genuinely couldn't ever remember seeing her. I didn't know if it was that I had a bad memory or if she just wasn't memorable… but I did not remember a little girl with brown hair and brown eyes, and pale skin and no personality, but then, maybe it was just me, because Bella on that very first time we met, cocked her head to the side, in the way that makes you sigh wistfully, and cried " Jasper?" in an incredibly irritating voice, and hugged me. What was I supposed to do about that? I returned it good graces but you both must have seen my face of ' What the fuck is going on?' and ' who the purple mountain majesty is this?' You laughed at me and then proceeded to tell me Bella's mundane life story, and how the monstrosity that is Bella and You came to be. I was almost sick by the end of it. Apparently, your mother, had insisted that you show around the police chief's daughter just to get out of the house, as she was sick of you moping around and brooding, all by yourself, missing me, it seemed. All that afternoon was spent watching you and Bella, cuddled around each other, looking lovingly into each other's eyes. It kinda made me sick, and it also made me want to cry. I was, after all, just getting over my heart break of Rodrigo, and all my could have been's, if only I had just stayed away from the shit that was my life in Forks. If I had just stayed with him, but no, I was back here once again feeling the burning my chest that was, the familiar feeling of my heart breaking... That day I had never felt more alone. That day was only the beginning of how I was going to be feeling for the next few months.

It would seem that every time I tried to meet up with you, or hang out at my house or talk to you in school, Bella would be there to distract you from me. I soon stopped trying. I walked passed you in the halls, I didn't meet up for our weekly movie night and I stopped returning your calls. I wanted to be away from Bella, I wanted a break from you and your suffocating relationship with a Mary-Sue of a girl that hated me. I still missed Rodrigo more than anything, but I knew I was most likely never going to see him again, and it scared me when I tried to remember the little things about him, and just came up blank.

Rosalie had become my best friend. Going through middle school, she had lots of friends of her own, but soon Rosalie's beauty was to get in the way of that. The girls she was friends with were pretty but no where near where my sister was. She didn't have to try to be perfect, she didn't have to try at anything, it just came to her naturally, as breathing comes to everyone else. They became jealous of the attention she received, and all the success. But it was nothing new… Even when we were children my father used to watch her constantly whenever we went to the park, or out for a walk. He used to call her Lara, his Little Queen, he said it from a poem. Men used to look at her, they used to want her… turns out she wasn't the one he had to look out for, I guess me and my sister are more alike than we thought. During high school we became each other's solaces. We were our only friends, but funnily enough we wouldn't of had it any other way. Who could be better than the sister I had to share everything with, the sister that knew me better than_ I _knew me? And I would never get jealous of her beauty and attention, never turn my back on her in a fit of envy. I would always be there for her, and her for me. That was all we wanted. All we needed. We were fine.

I think me and Rosie were an enigma to many of our school. We kept to ourselves but if we were asked a question or opinion we gave it with a smile. It's not that we were anti social towards others, towards you and your new friends and girlfriend, we just liked our own company better. That was until Alice…

By the time I was seventeen I hadn't talked to you in over a year and you seemed not to mind. You and Bella seemed to be falling more and more in love each day, and I was just the boy who had once been your friend. By now you were on the track team and head of the music club, you were a tutor to anyone who asked. Everything for you seemed great, you were living the dream life and I was left behind, but then came Alice.

Mary- Alice Brandon, is my small pixie- like, spunky, quirky, fashion crazy, best friend. (After you…)Alice came to Forks high straight from a rehabilitation center. Alice, when she was a child was abducted by a man outside her school, she had been on national news, every one was looking for little Alice, but nobody had a clue where to search. She had been found seven years later when she escaped, near death in a woods. Two miles up a hilly moutain the police found a small cabin where a man named Laurent and his wife Victoria had kept her hostage, for many years. When they had found out that Alice had escaped they shot themselves in fear of being found. Ali doesn't remember who she really was. The police were only able to come up with the basics of what might of happened. They could only tell that from Alice's condition that she was being beaten and that these people were not her parents. She has no history, only the one this man and his wife made for her. Alice is not her real name, she picked it herself because she thought it sounded quaint. Anyone could be Mary- Alice she said. But I think she chose that name so she could be anyone else. Alice sat next to me on her first day in Forks high and told me we were going to be best friends, and from that day on we were. It felt like a had a life again. Me and Rosie let Alice into our little group and soon we were inseparable. It was three of us. Alice was not suprised when I told her I was gay, or that you happened to be the object my affections. She asked me straight off if we were together, I was so shocked because there was no way you were into me never, never mind gay. Funnily enough she was shocked by that, but pretended otherwise when I asked her later what she meant. Alice was the girl Rosalie needed in her life and we were more than happy to have her complete us. With Rosalie being the brains, and spokesperson of the groupand me the mysterious brooder type, Alice was the little hyper active pixie. She was socialable and many people loved her, it was hard not to love the 5 ft, jet black haired, purple eyed, loud girl. But as soon as anyone came too close she would shut herself off. Once a year, on a certain day Alice will not be seen for a week. I don't know what she does, or where she goes, and I've never asked. Some things are personal, I know that more than anyone. I always wondered if my best friend acts the way she does to make up for the fear she feels everyday, form meeting new people. Alice was taken when she was five was gone for seven years, and spent the rest in rehab and thearpy. BUt since she doesn't remember any of the time she was abducted or her life before it, she isn't traumatised by memories, just by the feeling of being lost. Alice has never known a family or where she truely belongs.

Half way through sophomore year Alice took us to meet her foster family. She lived on the Rez, La Push just outside of town. I had been to beach there many times, but had never been in through the little community that was home to so many legends. Alice introduced us to her foster family, The Clearwater's. Harry and Sue Clearwater had decided to take in a foster child when their own daughter had moved out and gone to college with her childhood sweetheart. They initially were going to take in someone younger, but once they had read about Alice they decided no-one could need a stable family more than her. They were very good to Ali, she now calls them 'Mom' and 'Dad'. The Clearwater's had another kid, his name was Seth and we couldn't find a nicer guy for our Alice. He was the same age as us and was a really decent guy. He really cared for Alice too, and that was what mattered. Seth that day showed us all around the Rez that day. We stopped off at his friends house, he said wanted us to meet the son of the chief of the Rez council. This was the first time I saw him, but it would by far not be the last.

In was in his garage, fixing a motorcycle. In his position, I was automatically transported to another place, another time, another boy. I was enthralled. He turned and faced us all and gave me a toothy smile, it made his eyes shine and gave his face and angelic look. I couldn't take my eyes off the boy in front of me. He was tanned, with dark features, built with muscle, and an unforgettable smile, jet black hair, dark, warm brown eyes, and a structured face. He couldn't have been more perfect. He noticed me looking at him, and caught my eye. I didn't know how he would react. But he just gave me a sexy, lustful look and winked at me.

By the end of that day I had Jacob Black's number.

We were soon going out. I had a boyfriend, a best friend and I was closer to my sister than I had ever been. I finally felt completely happy. There was no James, there was no heart break, there was no hiding. I could just be me and feel happy about it. It soon got around the school that Jasper Whitlock was gay, but I didn't really care. I didn't give a shit what these small minded teenagers from one small town thought about me. I had for a long time, but right then I just didn't care. Jacob came and collected me every day from school on his motorbike and we went to his house until dinner. He made me feel safe, special, loved. The way he held my hand in his big, warm one's, completely engulfing them. The way he took so easily to affection. He was natural people person. He got along with everyone. Rosie surprisingly got on like a house on fire with him, and Alice thought he was her personal play thing. We were in love and everything was perfect.

That was until the night you came to my house in a drunken state.

Until you told that you loved me. That you needed me.

Until you told me that I shouldn't be with Jacob that we were meant to be together.

Until you told me Bella was pregnant.

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I know Om My God right?lol! Sorry for late update! Hope you enjoyed and drop a review to let me know what you think!

LJ xxxx


	4. Chapter IV

Disclaimer: I own Nothing!

Warning: This is a Dark Fic. It contains themes that some may find hard to read, such as, child abuse, self harm and will probably not have a HEA. You have been warned.

AN: I'm so glad people like this fic. And to my best friend Emmie for looking over it... you are and angel! Lo vi amo;)

This was the first dark fan fiction I have written. It was hard to write but hope it isn't too hard to read. It will be in two parts. This is part I. *Doesn't include graphic scenes.*

Part I Chapter IV

_Until you told me Bella was pregnant._

I remember that night, for many different reasons. For me, June 25th holds an infinite amount of tales. Each more sorrowful than the next. It was our graduation, the beginning of our independence, taking the next step towards our lives in the big, bad, world, where our only promise of income for the next few years would be waiting tables, in some dingy diner off of some college campus. If some of us even made it that far. There were some people in our town that had every intention of staying in Forks for the rest of their lives, as their daddy did, taking up in the family business just like their daddy did, and dying as they lived, safely in their beds, knowing their children would take up where they left off, in the town they grew up in, just like their daddy did. I was not one of those people. I wanted out of this town. Ever since we were kids I've wanted out. To travel the world and find out what it had to offer me. I wanted to cross seas and climb mountains, walk through valleys and travel over the clouds. This did not seem to be the case for you. You were quite content on being the next Dr. Cullen of Forks Hospital, having a wife and living in a big house with a white picket fence surrounding the garden for the children to grow up in. You seemed quite content to be just like your Daddy. This day also was the setting off of an alarm clock for me and Jake. He knew I was going to a college in New York, the other side of the country and he was a year behind me in school. He wasn't even sure he was going to go to college, he had to look after his dad, Billy Black, the chief of the Rez who was wheelchair bound. He had looked after his father by himself for years as his sisters' were too haunted by the memory of their dead mother to come back and help their father. There was still summer before I was going. We had two months to be together. But the clock was ticking.

That morning I and Rosie dressed in our royal blue graduation robes, our blonde hair shinning in the golden sunlight. Rose looked beautiful and was wearing a beautiful red dress under her robes. She was meeting her boyfriend, Royce, after the graduation party. He was already in a college, somewhere in Seattle. Our parents, who by this time were in the middle of a divorce, were meeting us at Forks High School, separately. We were stopping by the Rez to pick up Alice and Jake when we saw the flashing lights. There was red and blue flashing, blindingly from Police cars, the shocking white flash from the photographers' cameras. All surrounding the Clearwater's residence. Something was wrong. Me and Rosalie rushed up to the side door and shoved our way through to the front of the mob. We still had no idea what was going on. I'm sure you remember what it was. It had been the talk of the town for weeks.

Me and Rosie, were sent away with the rest of the mob and had no choice but to go to the graduation. We picked up Jake, and traveled in silence. He knew as the rest of did that something was wrong. I sat in the backseat just holding his hand and finding an infinite amount of comfort. He knew how close I was to Alice. Jacob once said to me that I had the ability to pick up people's emotions extraordinarily well, but what I exceeded at was spreading the emotion I was feeling. He said he could always tell when I was upset or angry because it felt like I was spreading waves of it around the room. At the time I said maybe he was just very perceptive, but at that moment I knew what he was talking about. I felt like I was drowning in everyone's fear and worry.

We entered the high school's gates, and knew that this was the beginning of the end of our childish securities and dreams of a happily ever after. But I think my dreams of fairytales, where good triumphs over evil, and the villains are thwarted by handsome men, with charming smiles and kind hearts, which all end with a kiss, died long ago with my blissful ignorance of horrors in the world, my virtues, and my innocence. I thought of Alice and knew her life would never be the same. I felt eyes on my back and turned around only to find you looking right back at me. Your face was set in stone and your eyes were just as cold. You were staring at me and Jacob's clasped hands. Your jaw was set and I wasn't sure at the time but I thought I saw something akin to fury on your eyes. You hadn't given me any attention in years and I wondered what it was now that I had done to spark this sudden interest. Then I thought you were probably just being a bigoted prick and against me having my boyfriend by my side. With a cold leveled stare I turned away and focused my attention on my boyfriend. From behind me I could hear a grunt of disgust and I knew it had to be from you.

Later when Alice's name was called for her to receive her certificate my attentions were brought once again to my best friend. I knew it had to do with her. After we received our diplomas and threw up our hats, we sped to the Rez. As soon as I got through the door I was almost bowled over by Alice flying into my arms. Her eyes were red with tears and her face blotchy. Then she told me what had happened.

Èlodie Óceane Dauphin, had been found, Alice was found. Her family had been on holiday in New York, from their home in Paris, when she had been taken. They had stayed for as long as they could in the States, but when it had been declared that the authorities could do no more, and Èlodie was most likely dead they returned to France, without their daughter. Then one night while watching an interview on the television, they spotted something that caught their eye. The interview had been with a new found model, who had been sighted and signed while traveling continental Europe, her name was Leah Clearwater. In the interview she was talking about her family, and where she was from. But the thing that caught the Dauphin's interest was the picture Leah had shown. It was a recent one, and it contained five people. Four of native American decent, and one small black haired, violet eyed teenage girl. Mrs. Dauphin knew those eyes anywhere. She was taking a massive chance, but she made up her mind to find out more about the pale skinned Clearwater. But try as she might it seemed as if the girl had come out of thin air. This only heightened her suspicions that this girl was their daughter, Èlodie. She went to the authorities and they went to American government. They looked up Mary-Alice Brandon to find she was on their files as a kidnapped child in the foster system. They conferred stories and found that as Alice had no memories of her past they had just assumed she had been taken on the way to school or whilst playing outside by herself. They had never thought she was the girl that had been looked the world over. Finally after months of working with the American government and piecing together what had happened to their daughter the Dauphin's traveled to America once again, this time to get the daughter they had lost. I sat with her for an hour just holding the one girl I loved as much as my sister. Rosalie had left as she had to meet Royce but Jake stayed with me. When Alice had fallen asleep in my arms, me and Jacob turned to leave. I had to wait for Rosie to come pick me up, as she had the car and I had no other way of getting home. Jake suggested we take a walk on the beach.

After the day we just had this seemed like the best idea I had ever heard. The whole thing with Alice was just mind boggling, but unsurprisingly, at least to me, I was most upset about your reaction to me and Jacob. It had been three years since I last talked to you properly but I had never thought you'd look at me the way you did that day. I knew in some part of me I was still infatuated with you, I couldn't call it love anymore as I didn't know if you were still the same person you were when we were fifteen. I liked to think you were, maybe I hadn't let go of all my childish fantasies as I thought I had. Jacob knew something was wrong with me. I think he thought it had to do with Alice, which in part I was, so I didn't feel I was lying when we asked if that is what was wrong. The day was turning into night and it was a dark blue sky with stars forever shinning through. With Jacob's hand in mine I knew I'd be okay. I knew I get through whatever the world through at me and that I had had a pair of arms to curl into if or when I needed them. We sat on the sand and watched to water ebb and tide onto the shore. Jake wrapped his arms around me and we were soon into a deep, heated kiss. It was filled with passion and love, and caring, and it was more than I deserved. I slowly for the first time moved onto his lap. I could feel his hard cock through his jeans and he pulled back to look at me.

' You don't have to. I won't rush you, you know that.' The look in his eyes showed me how much he meant that, and it was the truth, he had never pushed to go further, and had been nothing but patient with me.

' I know. But I want to.' I whispered, and bucked my hips forward. The sensation sent bolts of electricity through me and sent blood to my manhood. This was the first time I had let anyone touch me this intimately since I was thirteen years old. Flashes of my last encounter came into my mind, and I was filled with fear. Jake took hold of my hand and I looked into his eyes and I knew I was safe, I knew this was Jacob my boyfriend, and I trusted him, I knew I could do it. We continued to kiss and thrust and touch more adventurously as the night went on. When we were spent, and sticky with sweat and other bodily fluids , we just lay on the beach, hands clasped, fingers entwined.

It began to get cold and I realized that Rosalie had yet to come and collect me. I wasn't worried she was probably just with Royce. Forgetting to pick me up, it had happened before, you see, her getting too busy and then completely forgetting me. I had no choice but to walk home. It didn't take as long as I thought it would. On the way home I thought of Jake and of how far we had come. And I thought of you. How you had affected me still. I thought I was over you. Evidently I was wrong, very, very, wrong. As I came up the drive to my house I saw a car in the driveway. It looked familiar but it wasn't one of ours. As I came closer I recognized the silver Volvo, as yours. This confused me even more. Had you come to taunt me? Had you come to tell me you regretted ever having a friendship with a fag? It came with a jolt at how much your rejection would hurt me. I was beside the car and I knocked at the car window cautiously. You turned a drunken head in my direction and gave a sloppy wail. You opened the car door and stumbled out, tripping over your feet on the way, I caught you just in time before you fell. You face was inches from mine and you whispered with alcohol on your breath;

' I want you.' I almost dropped you then and there. I dragged you to the door and we both stumbled in over the threshold. I didn't know what to do with you. You came towards me once again, this time with tears in your eyes and repeated what you had said outside. You told me of how my not talking to you had hurt you it was like a burning hole in your chest, how you watched me constantly and tried and tried to get my attention in school, but to no avail, and how you thought you loved me. I didn't know if I could take it. You had just messed up everything. You crumbled back down on the floor. You had more tears in your eyes.

'I'm such a fuck up, Jasper. What am I going to do? I love you, but you're with Him! I'm stuck here Jazz! She pregnant, with my kid and I don't love, I'm in love with you…You don't love him, do you Jazz?' You had just admitted that you loved me, not Bella, and you were going to have a baby. I fell to my knees. It was all too much. I crawled over to you a punched you in the face. I did it again and again. Your blood was on my hands. And then my phone rang. Rosie was in trouble.

* * *

So this was just what had happened the night all was confessed!

Good? Bad? Let me know, by review! And feel free to PM me with any questions you may have.

Lauren Jane


	5. Part II Chapter I

Disclaimer: I own Nothing!

Warning: This is a Dark Fic. It contains themes that some may find hard to read, such as, child abuse, self harm and will probably not have a HEA. You have been warned.

Also, this is the beginning of Part II.

A/N; I really want to apoligize for not updating sooner, I had major exams in school and the uploader on Fanfiction went all wonky. Plus I might have been a little apprehensive to upload this chapter... I rewrote it about five times! I hope the end result is worth the wait.

Part II Chapter I

Do not stand at my grave and weep.

I am not there I do not sleep,

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond glints on snow,

I am sunlight on ripened grain,

I am gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in morning's hush,

I am the swift uplifting rush,

Of quiet birds in circled flight,

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry.

I am not there.

I did not die.

Anon.

My dearest You,

I have always loved the rain. There's something soothing about the beating of that harsh precipitation on the window pains. Something cleansing about the water beating down. God's tears some call it. What could be more cleansing than tears from God himself.

It was raining that night. The night I found you. The night he found her. The night they…

I will not bore you with the details of my sister's death.

I will not tell you of how her boyfriend of three years got drunk and called his friends around to show off my sister and the beauty of her face to show the other scum of the earth that he was somehow better than them because my sister had chosen him.

If only she had known he was just a villain. A villain wearing a mask of gold and a smile of a hero.

She had chosen him, out of all the other scum-bag, good for nothing, college boys around, and it would be the biggest mistake of all. Her last. I will not tell you of how my sister's last moments on earth were spent being raped repeatedly by said boyfriend and his friends. How when her screams got too much for them to bear any longer, they beat her until she was choking on her own blood, and eventually stopped breathing from the fluid in her lungs, on the way to the hospital. Of how she died without me by her side.

I will, tell however, of how she was found in the rain, the beauty of any angel, in a pool of crimson by a man on the campus at the time. Of how he stayed with her until the ambulance came and traveled with her to the hospital. He was the last person she saw alive and he was harrowed by the beautiful girl dying before his eyes. He then phoned me from Rosalie's mobile, telling me to come to Seattle hospital, that she was in trouble, that I should get there as soon as possible. He soon left, but not before I caught his name, it's one I'll never forget. I'll make sure that I'll always remember the name of the man that tried to save my sister. Emmett Mc Carthy. He held my sister's hand as she took her last shuddering breath. He has something I never will possess. Memories of the last time she breathed air. I will be, forever, envious of that. He found the pieces of shit that did it and made them pay for the suffering they gave my beautiful sister. He was Rosalie's savior, if only he got there on time.

If only I did.

The weeks that followed were some of the worst in my entire life. My other half was dead. It was like a piece of me had been carved out, and was left with a gaping hole in it's absence. She _is _the girl that knows me best. The girl that cares for me the most. The girl that doesn't trust you, likes cars, and hates Bella. She is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, she has no competition in this tiny, suffocating town. Even dead, she's better than all the rest. I virtually shut down when she died. I didn't function properly. We held the funeral, but I didn't want faceless people, who really didn't know my sister, coming , so it was private and small. Exclusive. Just like she would have wanted. She is buried next to a tree you know. Under the Weeping Willow in the local graveyard, it's swinging branches inches from the ground. Swaying in the breeze. I like to think that she's part of nature now, because of that tree. She's part of the earth. She makes it a better place for everyone, just like she had for me. Someday her body and that tree will become one, and she'll live again, through the tree and it's leaves. She'll be forever living, never dead. I think she would have liked to be immortal through her children and then through theirs. She would have been an excellent mother. She would have been caring and loving, she would have been the best.

We sent Emmett an invitation. A token of our gratitude, for trying to save her. He didn't show up for the ceremony but I think, I thought, I saw a hulking figure, with curly brown hair, enter the graveyard, after everyone had gone on. Moved on. To be honest at first it felt like no one cared that the greatest woman in the world had just died had left this world for another one. For a better one, I like to think. Nothing could be too good for my sister.

It was raining like it had been on the night she had met her demise. Her funeral. I watched as they slowly, achingly so, lowered her into the ground. As we were burying my sister I couldn't help but feel that they were burying my heart and soul along with the body of my twin.

Seconds felt like minutes, minutes like hours, hours like days, days like a lifetime. All I could comprehend in those mindless hours of grief was how anyone could have the audacity to live the rest of life, like this. Without her.

I was a walking zombie. I felt as dead as I knew she was.

I vaguely remember people coming to see me. Their faces flash before me in a haze, as I try to retrieve those blurry memories, of pain. Jacob, Alice, my mother, and father. You. I remember you holding me and I never having felt so safe. I could almost feel the hole being stitched together slowly, seam by seam.

I suppose that's why I came to you of all people, to try and take the pain away.

I came to you to try and forget. I came to you to feel loved. I wanted you of all people to help me feel again… I felt you were the only one that could.

That night. The night we first… made love, was the closest I felt to anyone in a long time. It was if every one of my nerves were on hyper drive, and all I could feel was You. It helped me forget everything else. I just want you to know that before you think about anything else to come.

You made me feel nothing but you.

Your soft, satin-like skin, against mine. The redness of your lips from my crushing, punishing, kisses. The disarray of your bronze locks. The breathless gasps passing through your lips. The hardness of your manhood, it inside me, filling me whole. Pushing further and further, until it made me forget, for just a little while, why I felt so empty.

It soon became apparent to me that you were the only thing that made me feel whole. That us being together, eased the hole in my chest. Soon the thought of you was the only thing keeping me sane. You, soon, were the only thing I could think about at all. You, soon, were everything.

I thought I loved you. I still think I do. But as the weeks wore on and we became more and more in love, Bella became more and more pregnant. I was able to ignore this for months. But by the time I had realized that I would start to crumble if you were gone it became apparent to me, I did not like being 'the other woman.' I had to find another way to make me feel again.

I tried talking to Jacob. It helped. He really does have this healing wonderfulness about him. I know deep in my heart that if he wanted to , he could be that greatest chief La Push has ever seen. Caring, compassionate, yet stern and demanding. No matter how much You hate him, you have to know that he is a great person. One of the best. Yet he wasn't you. We settled as friends. He knew there was no one in the world I loved more than my sister. That no one's death could have effected me more, so he pushed his feelings aside for mine. Like the great leader he is, he put me first.

He helped me to come to terms with Rosie's death a little bit more. He brought me on hiking trips and we rode the bikes he was fixing. We talked about her a lot. I needed to. He asked Alice over after I got used to socializing again. It was so good to have my little pixie back. She dealt with Rosie's death as badly as I did. We needed each other.

Now you know why I was slowly extracting myself away from you. I needed to. I was drowning. I needed help… and with you, all I was doing was finding another way to travel deeper under the water. Alice helped me to remember that I was not the only one who had lost my sister. My parents, Alice, My aunts and uncles, cousins, Jacob, had all lost a wonderful person.

But she also helped me to realise that I was so lucky to have known a person so magnificent as my sister. To ever have had her in my life was a blessing in it's self.

You called me often. Everyday at the start. Asking why I hadn't called first, why I wasn't around, why wasn't I with you. It was so hard to push you away. I didn't even try at first, I just caved and went running to your doorstep. It wasn't about forgetting anymore. You were my release from reality. You took me away to another world, where everything was all right. Where I had you. But I knew as much as I knew my own name that this wasn't good for me and nor would it last.

Bella was getting bigger and bigger. The reality that soon, you were becoming a father, starting a family, was starting to become all too real for me. You were going to leave me behind. Forget me whilst you played 'happy families' with Bella Swan. The clock was ticking and time awaits for no man. I was going to lose you. It was almost the end of the Summer and she was five months pregnant. It was obvious to everyone in town that she was going to be the next teenaged mother who entered society. People were starting to ask questions. Some of those people were your parents.

When one day at the end of August, I received a cream-colored envelope with my name _Jasper Whitlock _in golden type on the front, it was weight too heavy for it be a normal letter, expecting a condolence letter from a long-lost realitive who had only now heard about Rosie, only to find it to be an invitation.

To your wedding.

It was then I knew I couldn't do this anymore.

* * *

Alright, now I know some people will hate me for this, but I really always thought it was going to happen. Poor Rosalie.

Review to let me know what you think!

Lauren Jane


	6. Part II Chapter II

Disclaimer: I own Nothing!

Warning: This is a Dark Fic. It contains themes that some may find hard to read, such as, child abuse, self harm and will probably not have a HEA. You have been warned.

"Hearts will be useless things until they are made unbreakable."- The Wizard of Oz

_It was then I knew I couldn't do this anymore._

The day I got the invitation in the post I sat there in my pyjama's for what felt like a very long time indeed. My first instinct was to run over to your house and beat the living shit out of you for even sending me this invitation. I didn't care if you had to keep up appearances and not inviting me would look bad, I never thought you'd do this to me. I knew it was never going to last but did you have to rub it in my face that all we had had been some fanciful fantasy. That what we felt for each other had all been a dream and now it was time to wake up. I wasn't ready for such a harsh reality check. My second instinct was to rip the invitation up and burn the pieces and ignore this for as long as I could. The former won out.

I jumped into the nearest clothes that were relatively clean and raced out the door. It was still pretty early so I decided to run it to your new apartment. I had only been there twice. But in knew the way there. Every time we went there to make love or just to be with each other, I felt dirty. This was where Bella sat, slept, ate and lived, just going about her daily life never knowing that the boy she was going to spend the rest of her life with had already been unfaithful and they hadn't even said 'I do.'. I felt sick at the thought that she knew nothing of how her marriage was sullied already. I felt even worse with the sick pleasure it gave me that I was the one he wanted instead and that her marriage was doomed to fail.

It took me twenty minutes to get to the apartment at a slow paced jog. I had the cream colored envelope in my back pocket and I could almost feel it burning in back pocket reminding me that I had all the right to be furious. To be upset. To be hurt. I traveled up the concrete stairs with a bit of a hop, wanting to get this over and done with. If I thought that the jog over here would have cooled my temper down and I would be able to think more rationally then I was mistaken I was even more mad that I was in the beginning if that were even possible even the weather seemed to agree with me the clouds were dark and grey and they threatened to let free all the precipitation they were holding in. The world around me seemed angry. I knocked on your door with a thunderous pounding, I could barely hear it through the blood pounding in my ears but I was sure you did. I heard footfalls through the door and small shuffling. The door opened and I stopped immediately. The sight before me stunned me but shouldn't have I should have in some respect expected it. Bella Swan in was the threshold looking at me with as much surprize as I knew was on my own face. I'll tell you something about this day. I remember pretty much every word Bella said to me and not because it was harsh threats or even harsher truths. No. I remember it so well because I think ,as strange as it sounds, I was the only person Bella told about how scared she was.

" Jasper?" she had leaned forward to make sure it was me. We hadn't really seen each other close up, face to face, since the summer we were fifteen. " Are you wanting to speak to Edward because you just missed him I'm sorry."

I stood there not really knowing what to say. What did I say to Bella the girl who had pretty much always hated me and had an even bigger reason to now more than ever. It was then it started to rain, and with it my anger flowed out. What was I really doing here. I didn't have to go to the wedding. I could wish him well and be on my way out of here as fast as could by tomorrow. I realized that Bella was still looking at me and it dawned on me that I hadn't given her an answer. I think mumbled something like 'yeah, but I'll come back later' She invited me in to the apartment, but that was something I was not willing to do. Strangely I saw hope in her eyes and I wondered for the first time if Bella had any friends.

" I suppose congratulations are in order. On both the engagement and your baby. I never thought I'd see Edward a father." We both knew I was just trying to fill an awkward silence that had fallen between us before I turned to leave.

" I just want to thank you Jasper. I know he's been worried lately. About the baby and things and… I just want you to know that I'm glad that he has you back in his life again." There was a faint pause, a hesitation and it scared me because I really didn't know what she was going to say next. "And I'm really, really sorry about Rosalie. I know that we never got on, and we got off on the right foot, but I was really upset when I heard what had happened. I really was Jasper. I want you to know though, that you're welcome any time to come over and visit."

I turned slowly to face her. I needed to look into her eyes, to know that the loneliness I heard in her voice was real. When I looked back at her she was cradling her rounded stomach, gazing down at it when she felt my stare in her she looked up at me to meet my gaze.

" I know you think I've ruined his life, tying him to me for the rest of his days, but he's not the only one with a dead future and lost dreams. Everyone in this town thinks I sunk my claws into him like some gold digger or that I should be grateful that I'm now being married into the richest family in town. They don't understand that I'm scared. Absolutely terrified. What if I'm a bad mother? What if he leaves me? This isn't the life I want Jasper I don't know what to do."

By some unknown force I stepped towards her, sopping wet and took Bella in my arms. She accepted the embrace gratefully and sobbed into my shoulder. We were both getting drenched from the pouring rain. I knew that Bella didn't necessarily mean to tell me all this but I had had the feeling that I was only person she could talk to about her fear because I didn't know her, therefore wouldn't judge her for her worries or fears. I left soon after. No more words were spoken between us, there wasn't a need for any. As soon as I got home I called Alice. I told her everything that had happened between You and me. She understood, she let me cry, let me scream, and then we planned. We packed our bags got out all the money we had, which wasn't much, and booked tickets for Paris to visit Alice's parents.

We aren't planning on coming back.

I've given this letter to Jacob to give to you on your wedding day which is in just a few weeks from now. This is my goodbye to you.

As much as it pains me I have to let this go. Let you go, before we carry this on until you're married, until your baby is born. It wouldn't be fair on anybody.

So I'm telling you,

I LOVE YOU.

I always will. Take care of your child, Edward.

Forever yours.

Love,

Jasper

*There will be an epilogue. Review to let me know what you think and I'll try to get back to you as soon as possible!

Love Lauren Jane


	7. Epilogue

This is the last chapter of Dear you. I'm sure some people will hate it, but I feel this is how it would have ended.

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, if I did things would have been so much different.

Warning: Mentions of suicide and depression, and all round angst, but if you had a problem with that you probably wouldn't of read this far.

Epilogue

"If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you." -A.

My Darling daughter,

I know you will find this letter and in wondering of it's existence the first instinct you have will be to throw it away, for what good could come from reading something from me. So if you are reading this Thank You. Already you are giving me much more than I deserve. I have never shown how much I love you Reneesme. You truly are a wonderful magnificent being and if you did not look like me in almost all ways, I wonder if you were mine at all. Sometimes I still do, for it is hard to accept that someone as precious, intelligent and beautiful as you could come from me.

I have not been a good father to you, never been the father you deserve. I want you to know that it was never ever your fault that I was so despondent. This whole mess that I call my life is entirely mine, you my sweet daughter were unfortunately caught in the aftermath of my fuck up. I respect and love your mother. She has been a brilliant wife and mother to you and a good friend to me. But I am not in love with her, I don't think I ever was. We tried to make it work and we stayed together as long as we could. Sixteen years is a long time to spend married to someone that you don't love romantically. We stayed together so it would be easier on you, but I don't think that we really fooling anyone with that were we? It was convenient, it was easy, it was all we knew. We had been together since we were fifteen, had never been with anyone else. You are grown now though, moved away from me and your mother to your own adventures, to begin your own life, to make your own mistakes. You have no idea how proud I am that you moved out of this little town that I have been in all my life and spread your wings. Europe sounds lovely and I am glad you and Nahuel are happy there. I wish you all the best, my daughter, I really do.

I am sad to say that at forty-one years of age I still have no idea of what I want to be when I grow up, and my times for adventuring are now gone I'm afraid. I feel if this is all that I can be. A doctor in small town. Divorced and lonely in town that I hate but am afraid to leave. I have nothing left for me here yet I stay waiting for the day that something worthwhile will enter my life and make it in any way, worth living. I find myself sitting at home in my family house that was bought so many years ago, with children and a wife in mind, drowning in thoughts if the past. Struggling to breathe from the overwhelming emotions and memories that come crashing over me. I find myself alone. I once had been given a letter of goodbye, and now this is mine to you.

The letter, that I had received, had been from a childhood friend that had meant more to than I had ever known, not until found myself without him at any rate. His name was Jasper, and he was the only person that I have ever found myself in love with. How we were together is bearly a story at all, as he seemed to be like a ghost in my hands. I was never quite sure if my times with him were real or just some way that my mind was losing itself. He always appeared to be like smoke, that when I was in his presence I was completely engulfed in all that was him but as soon as I tried to keep a hold of him he disappeared into thin air. This was all before you were even born. When you were just a thought to me, but a very big reality that I was soon to become an adult and to do adult things. I think I failed on that account because I feel just as much as a boy now as I did then at the age of eighteen. When Jasper realised that I was going to marry your mother, have you, and stay in Forks, he left. He left me with all but a letter. Claiming he loved me but I was to do the responsible (adult thing) and I was to stay with you. He was always such a good person, one of the best I have ever known. Of course I have never been that self less and when I received this letter of goodbye from him I wasn't going to just let him walk away. I loved him he couldn't do that, I wouldn't allow it. You can see now how much of a boy I still was. The day I got his letter was me and your mother's wedding day. Not the best time to go running after that one I really loved, but I've never been a man of logic have I? I had received the letter from one Jacob Black, I know what you are thinking, what is mom's husband of eight years doing in this story? Well he was a boyfriend of Jasper's once and a great friend,as far as I could make out,after they split up. Bella sure knows how to pick 'em huh? (Only joking, I like him, I really do, deep deep down. He knows it too.) After I had received the letter I stood in my room dressed in a suit surrounded by my father, and friends from school with two hours until I was to be married to your mother... and I ran. I know no one has ever told you this story as it's a taboo to speak of it around my parents and then everyone eventually forgot about it, not that they knew why I was running but apparently I caused quite a ruckus. It was pouring rain that day, it made me think of Jasper, he loved it when it rained, and it motivated me to get to my car even faster. Jasper was on his way to Paris to live a completely different live with his best friend Alice. To be honest I didn't really care about the details, all I knew or cared about was that Jasper was planning a life in Paris without me. I couldn't let that happen, at least not without a goodbye. I got into my silver Volvo, and drove as fast as I could to Seattle airport. I had to find him. I didn't even know when his flight was, that was a major flaw in my plan that I really didn't for see until later. I ran inside the airport, it isn't very big and found the flight schedule on the overhead boards. The flight was boarding in twenty minutes. I remember never having run so fast in my life. My heart was thumping so loud in my ears that the hum of flight-goer's were scarce heard amid the beats and the pounding of my foot falls.

I got to the terminal and searched frantically for a golden head of hair. Funnily enough it was his friend, Alice, that I found first. I had been running so fast to catch up with him that I never thought what I would say when I finally got there, what do you say to a person that is leaving the country the get away from you? (I know dramatic right? But I was panicking and stressed, and quite frankly scared shitless.) The little black haired Alice caught my eye and with a startled expression she turned to Jasper, my golden haired love. He twisted 'round to met my eyes with a look akin to disbelief. Everything around me had vanished as soon as he started to walk his way towards me, it was like tunnel vision. I only saw him and nothing could distract me.

' What are you doing here?' He had said it like there was no way that I could be there, standing in front of him. Like I was a vision.

' I came to see you. You can't just walk away. You can't just disappear only leaving a letter. A letter Jasper? Is that all I mean to you?'

I realise now that he could have just left me with nothing, that a letter was a blessing of a goodbye. He looked at me uncomfortably. It was obvious that I wanted him to stay, but it seemed that he had set his mind on going. I always had a way with words, always able to charm what I wanted or needed out of people and it seemed so ironic that the one time that I needed words most of all, they failed me. I did the only thing I could think of doing and the last thing he expected me to. I kissed him. I kissed him with all I had. At first he didn't respond but soon his tongue was moving with mine. It didn't occur to me until he was letting go of my hand and pulling away,that while for me it had been a kiss of love and hope of the future, for Jasper it had been a kiss goodbye.

'I love you, that's why I'm saying goodbye. I need this Edward, so let me go. Don't fight me on this, OK? '

' I can't live without you. Please don't go.' It was my last plead for him to stay and even then I knew it was falling on deaf ears.

' You can live without me you just don't want to, and it might be hard at first but in time you'll forget about me, memories of us will be replaced with ones of your child and wife. I'll be all but a memory to you.' He looked sad at this statement, but adement. ' Just promise me when I you look back at you and me, let it be with happiness and no regrets.'

' You will never be a regret!' He looked at me then with a soft, sad smile, like he knew something I didn't and kissed me softy on the lips. Just a breath of of smile.

I tried to hold onto him as he walked away from me but I knew that there was no way that he would stay with me. I had known that all along really, that he would never stay. We both had tears in our eyes as he walked away from me towards the plane that would take him to a new life,an exciting, untold future, and me, towards a wife and child.

That day was one of the most agonising of my entire life. I had said goodbye to Jasper and then had to marry a girl I did not love, not even close to what I felt for man I had just watched walk away from me. That day was the beginning of the rest of my life, you could say.

I never heard from Jasper again.

It was only two weeks ago that I heard of his death. He had died from acute leukemia; cancer in the lungs. It was his funeral and his father had thought to invite me. He had stayed behind in the town of Forks alone out of Jasper's family, and I had been his doctor for several years. I had never thought of dying before the news of Jasper's death. It has been over twenty-four years since I have last seen him and I still have never felt anything close to what I felt for him about anyone else. I can still feel his touch and his kiss, I can hear that laugh and see his smile. At the funeral I was introduced to Jasper's partner for over sixteen years. I had never been so jealous of another person so much until that point. He had sixteen years of life with Jasper, that would be something I would never have. But I am comforted at the thought that in death I will finally be with him.

I love you, my baby girl. This is my goodbye letter to you, just like the one I once received.

I have enclosed Jasper's letter for you to fully understand, so that our love will not be forgotten.

I leave all my possessions, money and estates to you in hope that you will find something useful to do with them.

I love you, Reneesme Carlie Cullen, Live your life to the fullest.

From your father,

Edward.


End file.
